Saturday, September 28, 2013

My Annus Horribilis - The Year I Wish Never Would Have Happened

It has been a hellish year beginning last December when my dear cousin passed away from cancer.  She suffered much that last year and now I miss her wit and companionship.  Insofar as humans go, ours is a small family.  I have a younger sister.  Two cousins:  one was Isabel, who passed away last year and her brother, Gus. 

My dear and beloved Mom passed away on March 29 of this year after a long battle with Alzheimers.  She spent her last five years bedridden under home hospice care.  Hospice had warned me that she would only have seven months to live and that I should prepare myself.  They didn't know my Mom.  My Mom had a will to live and she outlasted everyone's predictions.  So much so, I had to fight with the hospice last year when they wanted to take her out of hospice.  I have had so many angels who have helped me taking care of my Mom.  During the week, I would have live-in angels and then I would take over on the weekends.  It was an honor for me to be able to care for my Mom during her last years.  She was an angel who bore her disease with dignity.  I will write about her in the future.

One week after my Mom passed away, I had to help her own cat, Princess, cross over the Rainbow Bridge.  It was sad, yes, but at least I was able to make the decision of letting her go in a gentle manner.  In my arms, surrounded by some of our pets, my sister, and softly singing to her.  She was 18 years old.  

About a month before Smokey crossed, one of my charity cases, Vampi (Vampirito which in Spanish means little vampire), crossed over on his own.  I had been taking care of him and had told the vet I thought it was time to let him go but she wanted to keep on fighting for his life.  Cats know when it is time to cross over.  One day, I left for work and when I returned, he had crossed over.  Smokey (or perhaps Lazarito) will write about Vampi.

And then, just as I felt that my life was beginning to return to some semblance of normality, the unimaginable for me happened:  Smokey's death.  The shock, the horrible way he went sent me on the darkest spiritual and mental agony I have ever experienced.  It was a horrible way to cross over.  

This past month, culminating with Smokey's crossing, has brought me to the edge of a dark abyss I thought I would never be able to recover from; a free fall that I could not stop.  It will still take time.  I am still in mourning for my Mom, my cousin and my sweet and beloved Smokey. I have some wonderful people that have seen me through this dark period.  Some of them I have never met -- the Twitter pals.  What kind and generous people you are!  My own co-workers have been extremely kind.  My sister, who in reality, is the only family I have left, was so kind and supportive.  Mom told me once: "You have to love each other always.  After I'm gone, you will only have each other." 

So I believe (and hope) that this dark period is over.  Life, I suppose, will bring me ups and downs.  However, if I have some control over my life, I cannot be forevermore in a depression and grief that serves no useful purpose.  I have my Mom's example who was the most positive person I have ever met.  Never complained and always had a smile on her face.  I am so greatful to all the wonderful people who have carried me on their shoulders through this time, including God and his Angels!

I'm ready and anticipate my Annus Mirabilis.  Let it begin -- sooner rather than later!!

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